When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
