Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
