Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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