I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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