This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize