Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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