he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
