everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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