I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
did i just pee glitter
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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