life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Its about making memories worth repressing
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
