At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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