My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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