I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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