it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
