I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
