u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
