well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
