so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I could make wine with my vomit
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
