Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Every concussion has its silver lining
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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