Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
