shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize