Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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