Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's blow job season.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize
