is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
