I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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