it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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