He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
