I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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