how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize