I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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