I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
How external is "for external use only"?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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