I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
