her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize