if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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