I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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