she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
We got so high we made milksteak
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize