I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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