Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I enjoy the company of your penis
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
