That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
worst night to have a conscience
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
