sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
