so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
