My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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