"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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