All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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