You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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