Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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