Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
