can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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