what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
