i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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