in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
