The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
