what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
