Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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