we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
